April 2009
44 posts
At Least You Kept Your Goodies
1. He called me pet names I didn’t appreciate. He made me want to become asexual. 2. He told everyone at school that we were together when we weren’t… while he had a girlfriend. She threatened and harassed me. 3. Our friends in high school called him “the breeder of all throughbreds” because every girl, with the exception of me, became sluts after they were with him.
Phone Sex Operator?
1. He has gotten with all of my roommates. I live with 5 other girls. 2. He once called me 23 times in a row because I wouldn’t answer 3. I met his girlfriend last weekend and received a text from him at 1:50 am saying, “you still up?”
Seconds, anyone?
1. He was a player that had a two inch dick. (gross much) 2. He claimed to be amazing in bed. NOT! AND He was a horrible kisser… don’t get me started on everything else! 3. He dumped me for another chick. This chick is in Japan for the summer and he is suggesting that we hook up.
It's The Species
1. She always tried to brush my hair. 2. Whenever she fucked up, she got mad at me for being mad. Vicious trap. 3. Periods are weird.
One Per Customer
1. She gave me bi-weekly blow job coupons. One blow every two weeks. 2. When we fought, she required a written letter of apology. 3. She told me I was interfering with her career. She was a babysitter.
I Call It Fucking
1. She called having sex, “making love” 2. She refused to “make love” because she could tell I didn’t truly love her 3. She was right.
Ballsy
1. I spent about $2,000 on him in 3 months and he bitched about buying me a taco. 2. I had to have him removed from my house by the police and he after he got out of jail he asked me to get him a discounted room at the hotel I worked at. 3. He tried to sleep with my best friend.
Fiscal. Responsibility.
1. He took out a $180,000 second mortgage on the house without telling me. 2. He paid for my best friend’s husband’s divorce attorney. 3. While I was giving birth to our son, he was in the nursery screwing his ex-fiance.
Spent All His Money on Hair Gel
1. He cared about his hair more than I did. 2. He says his friends were just being friendly with me, but asking me a lot of sexual questions surely crosses the line - by miles. 3. I’ve had to bring him out to EVERY date we’ve ever been on and pay for every single one.
Whiskey Dick
1. He’d get too drunk to fuck. 2. I would still have to sleep in his bed rubbing his back, helping him puke, and pondering my sad life. 3. After puking, he’d either try to kiss me or he’d push my head down and slur a sexual request. I’m not sure which was worse.
Generic Sorority Gurlie
1. Her sweat always smelled like vodka. 2. She had besties and BFFLs and Gurlies and Ladies. All different people. 3. She had one photo pose — the fucking peace sign and kiss lips.
Not a Peach
1. My Valentines Day gift was a text that read “Happy V Day” 2. He also broke up with me in a text message. 3. It took having sex with me for him to realize that he was gay.
What's His Age Again?
1. He missed our anniversary because he had to camp outside an arena for a basketball game — three days before the game. 2. He still listened to Blink 182. 3. He videotaped himself doing bike tricks — by himself — on his free time.
No, not Fafa
1. He was black. I’m white. Which is cool, but when we were around others, he loved to tell me, loudly, that, “Your curly hair was the only black in you… until now.” We weren’t having sex. 2. The black girls at my high school were mad we were dating and started calling me Twinkie 3. When he heard this, he said: “Twinkies are all like, spongy and shit…and...
Sounds Cool To Us
1. After sex, he’d always watch College Humor videos. 2. The only non-alcoholic thing he’d drink was Hawaiian Punch. 3. My little brother liked him more than he liked me.
Is This Reality
1. She recorded The Hills — on my DVR — and made sure I watched it each week. 2. She hissed at my dog when I wasn’t in the room. Often. 3. When she cheated on me, she blamed it on the economy.
And I Need To Prioritize?
1. He and his friends gave each other pet names. 2. He cheated on me with a girl who still lives with her parents. 3. He dumped me after 3 years, because I didn’t understand his devotion to a club frisbee team.
Neck, Meet Red
1. His friends called him Bobcat. 2. He only ate barbeque. 3. He tried to wrestle my dad.
GOPussy
1. She gave a homeless man in NYC a Canadian quarter. 2. She got Sarah Palin glasses. 3. She found Joe the Plumber sexy.
Chestal Area
1. His nickname was Pepperoni Tits. 2. He had a $20 tattoo of the Mars Volta’s logo on his chest. 3. He went to rehab for cocaine soon after I dumped him. Guess he wanted to lose the tits.
High School Musical Never Ends
1. She had Zac Efron posters all over her room 2. She made me dress up like Zac Efron for Halloween 3. I’m pretty sure she called me Zac during sex once.
Up In Smoke
1. His friends called him Chunk. 2. Bam Margera was his idol. 3. He told me he would never smoke anything because his stepfather died of lung cancer to hide the fact that he smoked weed regularly, and sold it.
My Name is Earl
1. She got drunk and called me by her ex-boyfriend’s name…twice. 2. Her teeth were too big and mouth too small to give a sufficient blowjob. 3. Her mother tried to make the symbol of a cross on my forehead. It was the first time I met her.
Doin' Ben and Jerry
1. She would never let me eat ice cream in bed, even if I promised not to be messy. 2. She never responded to texts. 3. I got home earlier than expected from a night out, to find her getting messy with another guy in my fucking bed.
I Don't
1. He stole from my family and got mad and wanted to break up with me because they wouldn’t let him into their house anymore. 2. He said he wanted a divorce, then tried to get me to file my taxes jointly with him two months later so he wouldn’t have to pay the government back. 3. I finally left only to find out he’s “bi-curious”, looking for tranny gang bangs and...
High School Sweetheart
1. She only dated me because she felt bad about turning me down after saying yes 2. She said yes because she thought I was kidding 3. She dumped me 7 days later.
Heart Bleeps
1. She broke my heart. 2. She literally gave me an irregular heart beat and palpitations. 3. She’s the reason for my massive medical bill debt.
Say It Ain't So
1. He said I was fake, but he’s now dating a girl he previously confessed he thought was a bitch. 2. He avoids me, while riding the bike my dad gave him. 3. He is an engineer and will always have a high paying job.
You'll Never Take My Freedom
1. When we’d make out, he’d try to sneakily turn on his Braveheart DVD. 2. Cheated on me, got mono from the girl and still tried to cover it up. 3. His friend called to break up with me for him.
One Exception
1. She said hand jobs damaged her manicure 2. She said blowjobs damaged her teeth bleaching 3. Fucking some other dude, however, did not damage her ability to lie about it for six whole months after the fact.
Girly Man
1. He had daddy issues 2. He cried about them like a little girl. 3. He almost cheated on me with a girl with sideburns.
Buzz Buzz
1. She lied a lot better than she kissed. 2. She made me take a three-month long abstinence pledge with her. 3. She bought a vibrator at the beginning of those three months.
All Around Keeper
1. He told me I wasn’t artsy enough for him. 2. He fell asleep while we were fooling around. 3. I drove 5 hours for his 21st birthday party where he threw up on me and then hooked up with someone else.
Super Smash
1. He said I should feel lucky to be with him. 2. He made me pay for his parking tickets. 3. He said my meatloaf wasn’t good.
Russian Nightmare
1. He was an alcoholic. 2. He still owes me $600. 3. He got married a month after we broke up.
Stubborn In His Suck
1. He was a 5’2” Asian who wanted to be black. 2. When I tried to break up with him, he said no. 3. When I tried to break up with him again the next day, he said, “I like you enough for both of us. See you later tonight.”
A Real Man's Man
1. He would dutch-oven me constantly. 2. He forced me to give him blow jobs for “good luck” while he played video games. 3. He was a Christian.
She Was An "Adult"
1. She hated watching cartoons with me. 2. Loved throwing dinner parties. Forced me to attend. 3. Did not like dead baby jokes. Said they weren’t funny.
Two Months Too Many
1. She broke up with me two times in a span of 24 hours. 2. She was really into IM shorthand 3. After 2 months, she said she didn’t feel a “connection”….at all, whatsoever.
Strike Out
1. She was a Yankees fan. 2. I am a Mets fan. 3. The abuse was crippling.
An Overall Winner
1. He was a bad lover. 2. He’s on welfare. 3. He’s a republican.
On One Condition
1. He thinks he looks like Ashton Kutcher but doesn’t. 2. My friends call him the Grinch. 3. He was a wanna be hipster.
Still Bitter After All These Years
1. She made me spend $300 on Josh Groban tickets. 2. She was anti-semitic. 3. She was anti blowing semitics.
Introduction
It’s easy. Submit three reasons why your ex sucks. You probably have a lot more, but condense your bitterness. You’re used to being told to shut up, anyways. She always did that. Or he. Or He-She?