My Ex or My Husband?


I’m 37 years old and have been married for seven years, but been with my husband for eight. When I started to see my husband it was two months after my previous relationship had ended, after my ex cheated. He said its something he deeply regrets and has asked my forgiveness.

break downHowever, I’ve never stop loving my ex and lately, my desire is to have him back in my life. I love my ex more than I love my husband. My husband is a good man, a great father and hasn’t done me anything except for the fact that he’s not affectionate, not into foreplay and never wants to go out. But my heart is with my ex. I can’t stop thinking about him, to the point where I break down and cry because I’m so in love with him.

My ex is also still in love with me and wants me back, but doesn’t want to be seen as a homewrecker. We have seen each other secretly a few times and our feelings exploded. My mind is a mess. I want back my ex badly.

Please don’t be harsh on me but give me the best advice possible for a woman who’s married but still in love with her ex. This situation has me unhappy. I cry every day.

There was a song in the seventies made popular by Mary Macgregor entitled Torn Between Two Lovers and the chorus goes:

“Torn between two lovers, feelin’ like a fool

Lovin’ both of you is breakin’ all the rules”.

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One comment

  1. Sunako_la says:

    I came across your message by coincidence and I don’t know if you’re still seeking some piece of advice. Still, I want to help you with my very limited ressources. I don’t, by any mean, judge you. It happens to be in love with someone else when you’re in a relationship and don’t beat yourself up for that. But I don’t think your husband deserves to be lied to. You have been cheated upon by the past, and I guess that if you put an end to that relationship shortly after it’s because you suffered a lot from it. Please don’t make someone else go by that path. I know it’s hard but I think it’s the best to do.
    Clearly you described yourself as not in love with your husband anymore. He’s the kind one, with some downsides of course but that makes him human. So on the one hand you got that sweet man with whom you’ve built a home but that doesn’t satisfy you entirely, and on another hand you have got your ex-lover. You say you are and have always been in love with him even though he hurt you in the past.
    But – because there is a but, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here – you’re still hesitating. And I think you got a feeling that things aren’t as simple as you’re telling us, and yourself. Because if you were really passionate about that man, and so was him, there wouldn’t be any complications: you’d divorce your husband and leave him for your lover. After all, you deserve to be happy and if you deal with that in a responsible way, I don’t think your kids (if you have one) would suffer much from a split-up. Except you aren’t doing that and I think that’s because deep inside, you don’t trust you ex-lover. And if I can be totally honest with you, I don’t think you should. Of course he’s saying things: I’ve always loved you, I met no other woman better than you, I miss you… Everything any woman dies to hear. But that’s just words. And in life, you shouldn’t trust what people say, but what they do. Actions are true engagements, set in reality, when words always stay in the “possible” universe. Look at what he’s saying: he doesn’t want to be a home breaker, though that doesn’t bother him when he has to be your lover. But that’s a good excuse not to get really involved with you. Implicitly, he’s expecting you to break everything you built without him, so that he can have anything he wants without any danger or effort. You have to put your lifestyle in jeopardy for him, but what is he doing for you? You know you just can’t build a relationship when there’s no trust and when your SO doesn’t get involved in it. I’m not saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater” because even if in my own life I’ve learnt that when a relationship comes to an end (“how” doesn’t matter: it just had to end and you shouldn’t have any regret) it’s not a good idea trying to building it again, I’m a firm believer that every law suffer exceptions. We all made mistakes and some men even if they cheated on you, can have really changed. But as women we make the foolish mistake to think that that very uncommon exception is just happening to us. Sadly, that’s not true. So maybe I’m misjudging your ex, but I do think you should investigate further about if he’s really committed to you, and if you’re ready to risk everything for a man that betrayed you.
    I understand you’re not happy in your marriage. But your relationship with your husband still has a chance ; maybe you can work on it with him and eventually be happier. If that doesn’t succeed and you need to leave him to be happy, you should take your own decision but I don’t think you ex is the answer you seeking and the key to a new and healthy relationship.
    PS: Sorry if I made any mistake, English isn’t my native language.

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